I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
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i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
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I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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