i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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