The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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