I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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