how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
