I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
