The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
