You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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