my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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