But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
