i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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