He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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