If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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