Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Also, beer. Big fan.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
