i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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