I have demons in me.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
