why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
