Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
