I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
