Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
