Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
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I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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