I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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