my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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