i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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