my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We are all done wearing pants today
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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