evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
be right there i have to get my cape
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Randomize
