Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
