Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
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why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
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