i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
