I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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