Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
