he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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