I'm gonna have a badass scar
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
