3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
