We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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