I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
