I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
