Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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