dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
