Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
