I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
