I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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