You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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