Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
