Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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