Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
