I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
