Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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