Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
