i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
