i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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