I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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