Who wears a wallet chain?!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
