I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
