yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
