I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
