shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
