After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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